roller coaster ride

i’ve got that feeling again…
it’s a feeling that is all too familiar.
it’s the one that creeps into my neck when my throat clenches a little too long, when i have something to say yet i don’t really know what the words i wish to speak actually are.
so instead of talking so much, i am trying to listen deeply. i am trying to hear the language of my heart.
that usually works.
i’m in the habit of asking my body how it feels about momentous shifts… my head usually knows when to get out of the way. but not this time, it seems.
one moment, my heart sings a sweet whisper of a song. it’s a soft, comforting yes. the next, it shouts no so loudly i have to cup my hands over my ears and dream of the ocean. and so my head is confused.
the opening is too small for me to fit through. nevertheless, i can’t quite shut the door.

i’m on a roller coaster ride with bright neon signs coaxing me to try the buffet at the bottom of the hill. it really is the best!

another billboard convinces me that the food is always fresher next door. i’m moving so fast i can’t figure it out. the ride is wild – slow, rickety rises and hair-raising drops. i’m sure i am turning left and without a warning I turn right.
i’m tired and I want to get off though it seems whoever is running the show isn’t ready to let me slow down quite yet. in any case, if i were to step off now, the ground would feel shaky and it may not hold me in my dizzied state.

stones are grounding, right? we’ve figured that out together already.
i’ve been carrying my sodalite with me everywhere for the last two weeks. i reach a hand in my pocket and feel it’s smooth surface and visualize it’s creamy white and blue. no one knows it’s there except me, and whether or not it’s true, i imagine it helps me get the words out.
it’s one of the stones associated with the throat chakra. it is meant to help me discover my inner truths and then assist me in expressing them freely and lovingly. i don’t know if it’s working. there is no on button and it’s taking too long. i can feel the stone’s frequency in the palm of my hand but my throat is still tight, my words are still frozen…

i know that time will help me figure it out. it always does. i just wish i could speed things up a little. even thought it could make the tilt-a-whirl go faster, it might also quicken the whole process and end it before i get motion sickness.

only, what if time doesn’t lead me to a decision?
what happens if I never get to know what my inner truth is?
what if there is no right or wrong answer to this particular question?
i am putting more weight on myself than i need to. I know that. it’s difficult not to when i know the outcome of my process will affect people i love.

it’s a lesson in patience.
apparently i’m still learning that one.
it seems i keep getting knocked over the head with it.
the cast iron pan is heavy this time.
i’m scared it will knock me to the floor.

the only thing I can do is be gentle with myself. so that is what I am doing…
touching cedar, running baths, eating dates.
the sun feels lovely on my skin, and the spring breeze helps with the emotional nausea.